How to Build Your Relationships to Improve Your Health, Happiness and Well-Being

How to Flourish newsletter #4, 22nd Feb 2025 | drjonbeale.com

Jon Beale

Feb 22, 2025

Highlights:

The powerful impact relationships have on our health, happiness and well-being.
Why our ‘social health’ and ‘social fitness’ are so important.
Effective strategies for building and strengthening relationships.

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Research shows that relationships have an incredibly powerful impact on our health, happiness and well-being. So powerful, in fact, that it’s no exaggeration to say that the strength of our relationships is the most significant predictor of our long-term happiness and well-being.

Findings from the world’s longest study of human life

The longest study of human life is the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which began in 1938. Over the past 87 years it has tracked hundreds of individuals and their families over their entire lifetimes across three generations. It’s now studying the descendants of the original participants, and is today tracking the lifetimes of over 2,000 people. The study’s aim is to find out what makes people flourish: which factors predict a long, healthy, happy life.

The study’s key finding is that the greatest predictor of happiness, well-being and health is the quality of our relationships. The stronger our relationships, the more likely we are to be happy and fulfilled, and to live healthier, longer lives. Strong relationships are even better at predicting whether we’ll live a happy and long life than our genes, IQ or social class.

Social connection has incredible benefits for our health, happiness and well-being (credit: Getty Images Signature)

In a recent book on the study, The Good Life (2023), the book’s authors and the study’s current directors, Drs. Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz, write that,

good relationships are significant enough that if we had to take all eighty-[seven] years of the Harvard Study and boil it down to a single principle for living … it would be this: Good relationships keep us healthier and happier. Period. (The Good Life, p. 10.)

They also write that ‘relationships seem to be the key to a flourishing life’ (p. 17). Close social relationships have been identified as one of the key predictors of human flourishing. These are included in every major theory of flourishing, such as the theories put forward by positive psychology and the Human Flourishing Program at Harvard. Of all the factors that predict our happiness, well-being and health, good relationships stand out for their power and consistency in supporting each of these pillars of a good life (p. 20).

See this conversation I had with Marc Schulz about the study.

Artwork by Kelly Malka

The ways relationships improve our health

The study has found that social connection reduces our risk of depression, diabetes and heart disease. It increases the likelihood of surviving in any year of life by more than 50% (p. 47). Study participants who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at 80 (p. 23). Relationship satisfaction at age 50 is an even better predictor of health at age 80 than cholesterol levels.

Close relationships reduce stress and help us manage stress, because they provide us with emotional support. For example, if you’ve had a long and difficult day but you have someone you can talk to at home or over the phone afterwards, it can help you calm down and relax, regulating your nervous system.

Close relationships are great for managing stress (credit: Getty Images Signature)

What other studies on relationships have shown

Many other studies have also shown that good relationships are crucial to our mental and physical health, and the longevity of our healthspan and lifespan.

Social connection is even more important for our health than diet or exercise. Meta-analyses have found that exercise decreases our risk of death by 23-30% and diet by up to 24%, but a large social network decreases our risk of death by 45%.

Good relationships even help us recover more quickly from injury. Research has shown that the speed at which a married person heals from a wound is correlated with the quality of their marriage. In one experiment, study participants were given a small puncture wound in their arm. Those who reported being in more satisfying and lower-conflict marriages healed more quickly than those who reported being in unsatisfying and higher-conflict marriages.

Good relationships even help us recover more quickly from injury (credit: Studio Spain)

In her recent book The Art and Science of Connection (2024), social health expert Kasley Killam describes research showing that people with a strong sense of belonging are 2.6 times more likely to report good or excellent health, but people who lack social support are up to 53% more likely to die from any cause.

See this conversation I had with Kasley about connection and social health.

Artwork by Kelly Malka

Dr. Marisa Franco, one of the world’s leading experts on social connection and author of Platonic (2022), describes research showing that out of 106 factors that influence depression, having someone to confide in is the strongest preventative factor.

See this conversation I had with Marisa about connection and friendship.

Artwork by Kelly Malka

Which types of relationships are most good for us?

The Harvard Study has found that relationships of all kinds benefit us. This includes our ‘weak tie’ relationships with our acquaintances, such as with our neighbours, the players in our weekend sports club and our local baristas. All of these contribute to the sense of community and belonging which support our happiness, well-being and health.

The most significant relationships, though, are with those we can rely on to support us anytime. The study asks participants the following question: “Who could you call in the middle of the night if you’re sick or scared?”. Positive psychology, the scientific study of human flourishing, asks a similar question: “Who could you call, anytime of day or night, if you need help?”. Having at least one person like this in your life significantly improves your happiness, health and well-being.

Who would you call at such times? The person you’re thinking of is likely someone with whom you have a strong relationship. Of all your relationships, nurture these the most.

How to build your social health and fitness

We often talk about physical and mental health, and often about physical fitness. But we rarely talk about social health or social fitness.

Killam defines ‘social health’ as the dimension of well-being that stems from relationships. Waldinger and Schulz define ‘social fitness’ as the ability to engage in healthy and productive personal and professional relationships. Killam argues that we should prioritize our social health as much as our physical and mental health, and Waldinger and Schulz argue that social fitness is ‘massively important’ – as important for our health and well-being as physical fitness (The Good Life, p. 25).

Here’s steps you can take right away to build your social health and fitness:

1. Make contact with someone important in your life

Waldinger and Schulz recommend the following exercise. Think of a friend or family member you haven’t spoken to in a while. Pick up your phone now and send them a message to say something simple, like, “I was just thinking about you and wanted to check in – how are you?”.

Small actions like this, they write, ‘can create long-term ripples of well-being’.

This will be someone you’re grateful to have in your life. Perhaps they’ve done something kind for you for which you’re thankful. If so, you could go further and write them a gratitude letter, which will have profound benefits for the well-being of both of you.

2. Set connection goals

Killam recommends we set ‘connection goals’, just like we’d set career goals. For example, what’s a trip you’ve always wanted to go on which you could schedule sometime over the next year with a friend, family member or your partner? What’s a hobby a friend has which you’ve always wanted to try, or a hobby you have which you could invite a friend to do with you?

These goals can help us build new relationships as well as strengthen existing ones.

Try a new hobby with others, or invite others to join you on one of your hobbies (credit: Jacob Lund)

3. Talk to a stranger

Here’s a simple strategy for building new relationships that has been shown to increase happiness: strike up a conversation with someone new.

A study in Chicago asked train and bus commuters during their morning commute to either strike up a conversation with the person next to them, sit in solitude or do whatever else they usually do – like listen to music or scroll social media. The people who talked to the people next to them reported having a more pleasant commute and feeling significantly happier during their journey than those who didn’t.

Other experiments with commuters using buses and taxis, and with people sitting in waiting rooms, have found similar results.

4. Establish social routines with your loved ones

Going for lunch or a walk, grabbing coffee or just having a phone call once a month can make a real difference to building and sustaining relationships. Try turning it into a routine: coffee on the final Friday or lunch on the final Sunday of every month, or an annual get-together to go to an event or watch a sports match.

5. Treat your social fitness like your physical fitness

Improving physical fitness takes regular practice. Social fitness is the same. To create new relationships or strengthen existing ones, we need to be intentional about building them and nurture them regularly.

The directors of the Harvard Study of Adult Development argue that social fitness is as important for our health as physical fitness (credit: The Independent)

For some relationships it needn’t be daily, weekly or even monthly – seeing some people in our lives every few months or even once a year can be just the right amount for that kind of relationship. We just need to avoid losing touch altogether.

As well-being and relationships expert Dr. Rick Hanson points out in his recent book Making Great Relationships (2023), thousands of scientific studies have shown that relationships are made rather than given. And just as we can make ourselves more physically fit through exercise, we can do the same to become more socially fit with effective practices, such as those described above.

See this conversation I had with Rick about how to build relationships.

Artwork by Kelly Malka

The takeaway

Investing time in building your relationships is one of the best investments you can make for improving your happiness, health and well-being. Try the strategies above for creating new relationships or strengthening existing ones.

What impact have you noticed relationships have on your well-being? Have you tried any of the strategies above, or others for building relationships?

I’d love to hear about your experiences in the comments, or any other thoughts you have about how to build relationships!

drjonbeale.com | @drjonbeale